I have owned a bidet for years. For me, using it is one of life’s simple pleasures.

I would like to first walk you through the logical reasoning behind owning a bidet and why I have literally convinced dozens of other men to do the same.

The conversation that leads to a conversion to the bidet cult usually begins something like this:

Me: “What do you do after you have been out in the yard planting flowers with your bare hands?” or “How do you clean your hands after you have been changing the oil/[fill in the blank] in your car?”

“Do you get a paper towel and rub it as aggressively as you can, hoping that the paper will be ‘good enough’?”

If I want to get even more graphic and persuasive, I delve into the art of cleaning your hole with a single sheet of toilet paper:

Here are my six reasons for owning a bidet:

  1. It’s faster. My $30 bidet has six settings. While I rarely boost it up to to #6 (anything past #3 is fire hose status), I have found that my ability to quickly blast out the bodaggets and dingleberries is greatly enhanced when I’m using the hose-like pressure of a simple bidet. While that may be less of a concern for those that shave their buttcrack, it’s legit for most normal people.
  2. It’s cleaner. Don’t get me started on the difference in cleanliness between traditional toilet paper and a bidet. There simply is no comparison. Next time you work in the garden, do an experiment for me: clean your hands with toilet paper and tell me if that does the trick.
  3. It’s cheaper. Yes, there is a cost to the water, but my toilet paper budget has been cut by over 50% since I started using my bidet several years ago.
  4. It’s more environmentally friendly. Just like shaving with a safety razor is better on the environment, so is pooping with a bidet. Every time you wipe with toilet paper, remember you are wiping with a tree. Yes, we should conserve water usage, but water is more of a replenish-able than trees. Enough said.
  5. It’s more enjoyable. If I’m being completely blunt and crass, it feels great to use the bidet to hose out your hole. Just be careful, at the right angle and pressure, you could be unintentionally giving yourself a water enema.
  6. It’s healthier. Your butt will thank you. Using toilet paper aggressively can aggravate the anus, further exacerbating things like hemorrhoids and anal fissures. There is no such thing with the bidet.

If you consider yourself a gentleman, then consider using a bidet. Unlike competing products (i.e. toilet paper and flush-able wet wipes), bidets are the manly solution to your daily dumping habits.

And you don’t need to spend a lot of money to get in and test. Instead of diving right in and installing a complete separate bidet in your bathroom–complete with heated water, drying and perhaps butt-recognition technology–you could start simply for a few months or years and purchase a cheap $30 version to get started.

The sad part is that most manly men are not aware of the wonder of using a bidet to clean the backside. Take Crocodile Dundee, for instance:

You know that once he got into it, that he would wan to take one down under with him.

Once you’re comfortable with your bidet, you and your butt will thank me for the advice.

Do you use a bidet? What has been your experience?

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